Perfect Fraud

Webster’s dictionary defines perfect as a : being entirely without fault or defect <a perfect diamond> b : satisfying all requirements c : corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept <a perfect gentleman> d : faithfully reproducing the original.

For most of my life I have had a problem with being a perfectionist. Definition C was how I lived. In many ways I allowed this ideal prevent me from being myself. I recently heard a sermon where the pastor said when you present yourself in any way other than who you really are you are a fraud. I realized that most of my life I had been living as a fraud.

In High School I wanted to be thought of as a smart kid. So I hung out with smart kids and pretended that I was doing well. Actually I struggled with Math, Science and Foreign Language but keeping up my fraud was more important than getting help so I never went to tutoring. I volunteered at church. I never admitted that anything was ever bad. I put on my happy face and never let people see below the serface.

In College I wanted to be seen as having a close relationship with God. I read my bible but only to complete assignments. I prayed, but only as a means of having my request heard. I wondered why others seemed to be so close to God and why I felt so distant but I figured I just needed to work harder. But deep down I figured that it was because God knew the very depths of my soul and after looking at it he decided that I was not someone he wanted to be close to. That was the fraud I was telling myself. That deep inside there was nothing to draw anyone into a relationship and so the best I could hope for was being useful. After all people didn’t get rid of those who were useful. So I set out to be perfectly useful.

I got married and spent a lot of my time trying to anticipate my husband’s needs. I thought if I could be a mixture of June Cleaver and Martha Stewart all rolled into a nice package that my marriage would be perfect (or at least I could pretend it was.) As John started working in ministry I poured myself into becoming the perfect pastors wife. I taught classes, organized events, always presented myself as put together. There was nothing wrong with these things, in fact, I enjoyed doing them. But I was not doing them because I enjoyed them. I did them because if people saw me the way I wanted them too. (as perfect) then they could never criticize me or say I wasn’t a good pastors wife. And they would never begin to guess how insecure I was about who I was. They would certainly never guess how hard I tried to achieve the standard of perfection I tried to live up to in order to make God love me.

This perfect fraud I was portraying began to seep out. I became critical of my husband. He would share a story of an incident that happened in our home or ministry and instead of understanding how it connected people to him I would worry that it showed us in a way that was less than the perfect image I was trying to maintain.

When our girls came into our lives I was determined that they would perpetuate the fraud. Sundays were filled with anxiety. Could they just be “good” at church when people were watching them. The list of Don’ts became ever longer. Don’t throw a fit. Don’t run. Don’t be too loud. Always be neat. Always answer when spoken too. . .the list grew each week based on the behaviors they displayed. My thought was if people saw that my kids were not perfect they would know I had no idea how to raise special needs kids. They would know how every day I ended berating myself for failing again to be the perfect mom and raise perfect kids.

The cracks in my life were growing bigger. They were getting harder to hide. A snap at the kids when people were looking. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up. After all, I needed to be good in order for God to love me. I was sure that one day I would receive a note that said I knew I shouldn’t have wasted my blood on you. On the outside no one would have ever guessed.

I tried really hard. I worked really hard. I prayed that God would help me try harder and work harder. But He wanted me to learn something more valuable.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

This was the lesson. GRACE. Not something you earn. Not something that is given to the perfect  people but that which is lavished on the complete failures, degenerate sinners and those humble enough to admit they do not have it all together. Grace that says I love you no matter what you do. Grace that is not dependant on me at all. GRACE.

You see the problem with being a fraud is a lot more than living a lie. A fraudulent life includes lying, pride, fear, a critical spirit, and sadness that permeates your soul. Grace gives freedom. Freedom not only to allow me to live real. But allows me to pour freedom onto my children and my marriage. Grace allows me to see others in their imperfections and to accept them where they are.

I am not saying I don’t slip back sometimes into striving for approval. There are days when my striving spirit takes over once again. But I now know what it feels like to go from a Perfect Fraud to covered in Perfect Grace.